Social Anxiety vs Cycling Social Anxiety

Most people grow out of things. Grow out of shyness, grow out of bedwetting, grow out of asthma. Shyness and bed wetting weren’t really a problem as a kid but I grew IN to asthma. When I was little there was not a sign of anything odd, but then by the age of 8 or 9, my peak flow was worrying, and I was given something brown and something blue to inhale on a daily basis. I guess that was the age when I started feeling the pressures of life. I was a good student, good at sports, but constantly in fights with friends, often in fights with boys and even sinbinned (the worst possible punishment before suspension) at lunch times. This meant I was to sit on a seat at lunch time while my friend’s got to play 4 square, sprints, basketball-rugby or obstacle course. Stink. But apart from that I was a pretty confident kid from the get-go. I was always keen to try something new and was the Queen of the extra-curricular at high school. Played in bands since I was ten and playing Rep Hockey for Waikato since I was 11. Twenties were pretty much just a more adult version of my very busy and multifaceted life, and then I went overseas for a few years to study and work and act and travel, returning to a new phenomena which I like to coin, ‘Social Anxiety’. Mine is of course a mild case and has actually gotten better on reflection, but last year there would some cases where I would not be able to meet a friend at a bar alone. I would need them to walk in with me as I would feel the most bizarre sensation as though my whole body was flushed or the blood had rushed from my toes to my face in a second. I found this explanation:

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judment, evaluation, and inferiority. Social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

More info here

I don’t want to trivialise it but it has been rather funny for the person with me, as they have NO idea that things like walking in to a space where people look at you as you enter can make me want to throw up. If you are a shy person who has trouble speaking in front of people and is known to stumble on words then you get caught out more easily, but for me, being an emcee for an event of 300 people is a piece of cake compared to joining a group already formed and trying to join in – if I don’t know them well, that is.

But this year it has definitely been better.

Something has changed, or maybe I just choose where I go a little better. If I am going to a gig to watch a band I am fine – possibly because my friends are there, or potentially it’s because we are there to focus on a band. There’s a reason we are there. A bar or pub where people check other people out is my worst nightmare.

In the case of turning up to organised cycling rides where groups of people who already know each other and whom I may never see in daily life, well… I feel a little anxious.  There they are with their fancy carbon bikes and clip-ins and layers of lycra and back pockets with bananas sticking out, clustered in groups, and I rock on up Monsieur Rouge – the borrowed upgrade from Pink Bike – who is far too big for me, and my regular sneakers and stirrups and my dads leggings (slightly baggy) under my padded bike shorts.  I’m there for a reason, though, and hopefully look pathetic and lost enough that eventually some guy comes up to me and asks, “So, you here for the ride?”. I try to smile enthusiastically under my uncle’s helmet, “Um, yes?”.

Now, I am making it sound like I go on these organised group rides all the time. That is total bollocks. I have been meaning to go to them but some of them are 7:30 am on a Sunday morning. Sunday. 7:30 AM? C’mon!? I usually come up with some excuse or luckily my phone (which acts as my alarm) dies in the night, or I set it to pm instead of am. Whatever Walker. Any excuse. But I went this morning from Mt Eden Cycles at 6:30 am. 6:30!!!!!! and I went on Sunday morning out at AvantiPlus Waitakere. Alan who works there has been encouraging me to go to these for weeks and promised there would be girls there, and a range of speeds. Sunday morning 6:30 am my alarm goes off. It’s dark and cold and raining. Pissing down, it’s really heavy. They can’t possibly go in this weather can they? I grab my phone half asleep, trying to google the weather forecast,  or the Dept. of Cycling page to see if there are rules about weather. I even go as far as looking up the schedule at SPECFORCE, where I am doing my off-bike training. But I know this isn’t even about the ride, this is about me getting up and getting my damn lycras on and getting on the road.

And somehow I do.

The rain clears, then showers the whole drive in. I’m running 5-10 mins late due to my indecision. Oh God, now that I’m up they better not have left. Will anyone even be there? I have no idea what to expect. I turn up to see no more than 8 guys on fancy bikes and I swear I nearly did a U-turn. I park my car and get out but don’t make eye contact. Maybe they’ll just leave and then I’ll just go for a ride by myself. I get my bike out of the back seat and put the front wheel on. Damn. They have seen me. They cycle over as a flock. Sh!tbix. “You riding with us?” One asks. Me: “Um, yeah, if that’s ok?”. Of course it’s okay- it’s the point of the rides.  I quickly say something, nervous they will all watch as I take a puff of my inhaler, or somehow put my wheel on backward. I don’t put my wheel on backward and off we go. The ride was hilly. The Scenic Drive climb was the first part of it and then a few more delicious doozies to bring us home. I didn’t stay with the guys the whole way of course, but would catch them when one of them was peeing on the side of the road or someone else was fixing a puncture.  I had a coffee with them after, and guess what? I survived! They talked about Rugby and thanks to Israel Dagg I kind of knew what they were talking about. I told them about Ride Out Of The Blue. They told me about K2- this hilly 220km ride around the Coromandel. I geeked out with them over cycling attire and they admitted that the ride was even quite hilly for them. Success No. 1.

This morning I went to a city version. My friend Fraser had told me about this one, and has also been an inspiration in my early risings for the past 5 days. He is trying to kick a habit of hating getting out of bed in the morning, so for 90 days is waking up at 5:30 to work or to train. I have been doing more like 5:30/5:45 but have been training first thing. This morning’s ride was shorter but faster than I usually travel and that was the slowest group! When I heard the groups were called Fast, Fast-medium and Medium, I knew I was in trouble. But it was good. I need to be riding in packs more and learning the sign language. Hand tapping the small of back on side where there is a potential obstacle- eg, parked car. Pointing straight down for potholes and lots of ‘car back’ calling, which I kinda did anyways. The good thing that aided the cycling social anxiety this morning was that it was really dark when I arrived. I was hoping dark enough so that people wouldn’t be looking at my stirrups and my way-too-big-for-me bike.

Two down. A truck load of group riding to go.

I have a few rather important things I would like to mention.

Firstly, check out this article on Kimmi and Rachel, they are laydees riding with us from Queenstown. Kimmi is a waitress soon-to-be-midwifery student, and Rachel is a mother of three. As you can see we are still seeking support of ALL kinds. Bikes that fit us is number one of course.

I mentioned SPECFORCE earlier. I have to write it like I am shouting because Scotty and Dan who train me are worth it. Scotty found out about us and jumped at the opportunity to help us train through primarily strength, fitness and mental training. These guys have been physical trainers in the army and special forces for YEARS. I cannot tell you how much fun (yes, fun?!) I have been having. I can feel the difference and have found new muscle groups in places I never knew I had. Scotty also supported his best friend who walked from Auckland to Christchurch and was fundraising for Cancer. His mate was in remission himself at the time and they were walking 40km a day. An epic event. He sadly passed away, but what an amazing thing to have done. If you want to to come and do a session with us, you can come and trial it for free. It’s like joining a gym but always being personal trained and doing everything in groups of good natured peeps. I know I need to be pushed or I’ll take the easy way out.

Bananas. I mentioned them earlier too. I wonder if you can be a cyclist and not eat bananas. I have been buying and consuming those things like nothing else… That was me trying to do a segway in to the wonderful Cliff Harvey. My friend Cliff has come on board as my nutritionist and his company Nuzest is sponsoring us protein. Yes, protein. It feels like I eat all the time because I AM eating all the time. Because I have some odd dietary desires, Cliff is going to be a key player in my performance. I am going to talk in more detail about Cliff in my next entry as I have some confessions to make, and you may not want to continue reading my blog after that.

Tee Hee…. that was my Shortland Street ending to make you want to find out what I’m on about….

My acrostic this week is a goodie.

T he F.E.U.C – my debut short film is screening this week with 7 other shorts at the ACADEMY CINEMAS. Come!

H ow to Meet Girls From a Distance- a feature film I acted in is premiering at the NZ Film Festival! Amazing for them!

I ronman- Craig Bulloch is also raising money for the MHF. Check him out. He is being super supportive of us!

N ephew- I’m posting another photo of Leo because he makes me so, so happy and helps put things in perspective

G ala is shaping up. Sat 27th Oct we ride from Hamilton to Auckland and are holding a comedy fundraising gala!

S ong- Andrew Keoghan’s new video is rad. BRIGHT IDEA made by The Jenson Downes Picture Company

I’ll leave you with Leo and some words from Daisaku Ikeda:

Confront reality, look it squarely in the face, and with guts, wisdom and strength,

challenge everything that lies ahead of you.

Bike Ride

To begin, I invite you to please watch this teeny weeny film:

Bike Ride

This was made by our ROOTB South Island Logistics Co-ordinator, Tricky Claridge. Epic Talent.

In contrast to this short lego loving ride, we rode around Lake Taupo on Saturday. It is a 160km (99.42 miles) joy ride around that beautiful mass of water- more hills than I care to remember and a junction that never came. We started and finished in Pukawa so ended with that glorious/horrific hill that felt longer than the first 70km put together. I had a sore ‘seat’ from about 10 km in (I sh*t  you not) as I was on a bike I had only ridden twice before but that was streets ahead of pink bike (no offence sweetheart) but was slightly (or a lot) too big for me which prevented me from being able to lift my butt from the seat on the hills to give it any relief. I have named him…drum roll please… Monsieur RED Bike.  A man because I felt like a ten year old kid riding my dad’s bike when I tried to rise up for the hills.

Before this epic training ride, the most I had done was 60km with Tamzin and her friends, who is one of our core riders in Wellington a few months back. It was reasonable flat but incredibly windy. As well as that I have done a more hilly 56km on my own out West of Auckland so the extra 100kms was duly noted.

Meet Tamzin Hawkins.

On Wellington 60km. Coffee break on Oriental Parade.

She designs and makes clothes for children and has just launched her own label Mavis and Osborn whilst training in windy Wellington. If it wasn’t for Tamzin, I’m not sure if  I would’ve made it around. I would roll my eyes every time I saw the next hill… and the next, then start spitting expletives and groan all the way up while she would say “You doing really well”, or “Wow, it really does feel like deja vu, eh?”- because the hills all started looking the same.Tamzin rode around Taupo last year for the actual factual Taupo ride. But this of course was different. We didn’t have the thousands of people along with us and support crew or well, anything. The last two hours was just Tamzin and me making our way to the promised junction which would be superceded by an insanely cruel climb – a downhill and then another hill home to the gate. Oh the gate- how I dreamed of you. Oh, my PJs. Oh, a sandwich…

So the eating and exercising thing- not something I usually do together. I have slow digestion and metabolism at the best of times but we have to eat while we ride and ride directly after eating. And then there’s WHAT to eat. Ritchie, another one of our core riders ate a custard square on our cafe stop, in Taupo. I remember thinking. Oooh nasty. Ritchie? How did it go down in the end? But by the end of it I was pulling snacks from my back pocket and jamming them in my gob at every opportunity. There was a time when we stopped on the side of the road as my broken toe (from years ago) was making my foot throb because it was numb from the cold and numb from not moving on the pedal. We brought out some sandwiches we had prepared earlier in the day. I had made peanut butter and banana. It was soggy and delicious. I sucked the middle out of the sandwich and tossed the crusts. It was the most amazing thing I had ever tasted. I thought about that sandwich until we got to the end.

The morning before the ride I grabbed a book that was in my bag.  The title of the book was “Determination” It is a book of Buddhist quotes by Buddhist philosopher Daisaku Ikeda. I flicked to a random page and skimmed over it hoping it would somehow encourage me through the day. I know this book- most of the quotes are beautiful and elegant or simple like “Hope is a decision” and “Life can unfold unlimitedly as long as we have a heart of appreciation and an undefeated mind” but the one i flicked to read “Indulgence and indolence are not creative. Complaints and evasion are cowardly, and they corrupt life’s natural tendency toward creation. You must not for one instant give up your effort to build new lives for yourselves”. Woozas. Oh how I chuckled remembering that quote as I grumbled and snarled my way up those last few hills. It really showed me my negativity, though, and how easy it is for me to speak it aloud. What a bloody moaner!

Ok my brain was something like this toward the end of the ride:

“My butt. Oh my god. Pain. Breathe. Jump in the support vehicle. God, you’ve done well to do this much, ok no, let’s do 120km then call it quits. No, 22 its your lucky number. No way, another hill… f&@k. Ok, foot officially numb, so painful…hmmm how much longer until you need to rub it, can you last? Ooooh lets see if I can open this muesli bar packet with one hand in your winter cycling glove. Thank god it didn’t rain today. I can’t wait to get a bike that I fit properly. The guys at the bike shop said gel seats are gay. Really? Yes. Harden up Aidee. “How you going Tam?” Oh really, you feel like vomiting up your banana? Got enough water? Oh, my behind. Seriously I think I have bruised my bones. Ok support vehicle going home to light fire…Ritchie needs to get warm- his lower back was causing him grief, poor dude, needs a proper road bike. Shane (Tamzin’s friend from Capitol Cycles in Wellington has been riding back and forth checking on us all and helping us with technique) comments on my shoulders moving. This is not the time. I don’t care. But he is right. Earlier in the ride he was talking about efficiency. Aidee, more RPM. You need to get your legs moving more with less resistance. “Is that why we have such big thighs, Tamzin asks?” Shane said lots of women- with strong thighs- like more resistance but it’s less efficient. Shane is getting cold and needs to sprint home (He’s a sprinter not so keen on the endurance). Oh god another mutha-truckin’ hill. I can’t do this. It’s getting dark. Where’s the bloody junction? A massive hill AFTER the junction. WTF? Where is the junction? Uh Oh. Tamzin has just asked a cow grazing in a paddock, where the junction is. Quick stop. Eat, massage foot. I do a tricep stretch and show Tamzin who had been experiencing sore triceps (from all the braking). “ohmygod that is better than sex” she yelps. We break into hysterics. What are we?? I have food on my face from stuffing it in so fast. We set off….. THE JUNCTION!!!!! Hurrah! And the ascent begins. Ritchie pulls up in the car with lights for us. It’s getting really dark.

I mutter “Can’t stop”. We seriously  can’t , We have to keep going. We are so close. Ritchie trails us. I get cramp in my upper (upper, very upper- as upper as you can get) hamstring. Nothing I can do. Keep going. Ritchie keeps trailing with his hazards on. It’s dark. The hill never ends, but when it does, we stop to put on lights and off we go again. Downhill, uphill, down and then upppppp….Shane has come out to meet us. We really go for it. I can see the lights ahead…HURRAH. We made it. Ouch. Awesome.

The biggest thanks to Jess and Malena for being our support crew! Tu Meke Ladies.

Poetry time.

My THINGS for this entry:

T amara Waugh- thank you, working behind the scenes with me on ROOTB- what a legend! This is a huge ride to put together.

H ops, The Dr… Tricky (Nicky Claridge) who made the Lego film has just launched this boutique beer, Dr Hops. Have a looksee!

I llustrating Status Updates- Pedro Fins! Are you friends with him on Facebook or Twitter? He is one of my besties.

N ephew- I have one now. His name is Leo and he is so tiny and gorgeous! Well done sister Kate- for doing the baking!

G et Free- Major Lazer with Amber Coffman from Dirty Projectors- Listen!

S ingle- it’s new from Lawrence Arabia and you can download for FREE.

Leo

My gorgeous nephew. I stare at him and just want him to have the most amazing life. If everyone looked like this, we would want the same of everyone around us.

Winter? Whatever.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

Get out of that kitchen and ride up the hill if you can?

Let’s be honest I’m not exactly in the kitchen that much either. So why, Aidee, did you put on your padded lycra before lunch today and not actually leave the house on your bike until 4pm? You certainly weren’t cooking no roast or baking no cakes, girl!

So this blog is off to a bit of slow start you could say, but I am jumping back on the bike  (ahem) for this second entry and shall just get on with it.

Meet Pink Bike. She is a real beaut huh! The thing is I really love her. She was my dad’s originally back when I was just hitting puberty. Here she is right here:

She is a shaker and a rattler and simply because she has two wheels, she still rolls. I think she was born in 1990 so she is looking and rolling pretty well for her age but unfortunately won’t be the mode of transport I use to “roll” up the country. Sometimes I appreciate the downhill so much- not because it’s a relief on the thighs- but because the wind is blowing so intensely in my ears I don’t have to hear her rattling and fear that the front wheel is gonna pop off at any second. So yes, she is pink- with grey shading and was in fact my pop’s. My pop is the man. For real. He would have got this bike at a good price (back in the day) off his mate who owned (and still owns) a bike shop in Hamiltron and wouldn’t have thought twice about the colour. My dad is a carpentry teacher and was probably coaching high school rugby teams at the time and he is really just one of the most unjudgemental fellas I know.

This is Brucie here…

My dad is the reason I ever went road cycling. We used to go with our neighbours on these rides in to the country (you could bike for about 1km and you were at the edge of the city so it wasn’t hard). My sister and I started on mountain bikes- I did have an awesome BMX ’cause I was a bad-ass tomboy until I was about 14, but it wasn’t quite appropriate for what we were getting in to. The 12km family rides we did turned in to 25, then 40 then 100kms and the longest ride I did was 125km from Ham-Town to Whangamata.  I was 14 and finally had my first and only road bike- one step down from the Avanti Sprint- she was purple and my sister had a matching one. We were able to differentiate between our twin bikes because I had a fluro green drink bottle holder and she had the fluro blue. That big ride was awesome. That was probably the height of my fitness though- 14 – 16 years old. The most I remember from those various cycling events we did was the spot prizes and the BBQ after. Once I won the grand prize- a Webber BBQ. I Was 11. My parents were stoked. Thinking about it now- that is the biggest prize I have ever won in my life. Man, I gotta get me to some more cycling events.

So that is the history of Pink Bike. Dad now has a black one, Black Bike- quite flash. I am hoping my dad will join us for the Hamilton to Auckland leg of Ride out of the Blue which will be on Sat 27th of October. This will be our biggest riding day in terms of size. If you are wanting to do this day- you should. It’s 144km- one of out biggest daily distances but it will be fun! And that evening we are going to hold a Comedy Gala in Auckland to really thank all our riders (they get their one and only day off on the 28th) and do some more fundraising which I will talk about more in blogs to come.

I was gonna talk in depth about my padded lycra shorts but I will save that for the next blog. Exciting stuff huh! But before I depart I just want to say even though I procrastinated like nothing else today I did get out and albeit a shorter ride than expected, I got up this nasty hill that I usually just turn around on because it’s NASTY. I got you hill. I rattled and shook all the way up but boy did I roll all the way down.

On a house keeping note:

We are still looking for people to help us out in any way you can. One thing that is urgent is sponsorship to help us get some of the core riders, myself included, on better bikes and another thing is we need a cycling trainer that can write us a specific training programme for an event like this- 21 days on ya bike. Email us at Rideoutoftheblue2012@gmail.com, find us on Facebook or send me a note here.

And finally:

Because I am a fan of a good Acrostic Poem, I will leave you with THINGS that have been fun in my life recently: people, film, music, art or just something that makes me happy.

T he Most Fun You Can Have Dying- a film By Kirstin Marcon- GO SEE IT!

H enrietta Harris is an amazing artist.

I  ce blocks- or should I say Nice Blocks- chocolate coconut flavour is amazing and vegan. Hurrah.

N ephew, where art thou?- My sister is overdue. C’mon little guy!

G olden Dawn tomorrow- Fabulous Arabia are playing (Fri 27th of April). Hooray.

S ong that I couldn’t get out of my head for nearly a month- ( gave you a link with Spanish Subtitles for fun)

All right Amigos. Until next time!

xo

Hola world!

Kia ora.

I am going to ride the length of Aotearoa (also known as New Zealand) in 21 days this October, 2012. There will be a group of amazing people joining me and we are going to try our darndest to raise awareness and funds, so that the Mental Health Foundation of NZ can set up a ‘Mindfulness in Schools’ programme in 10 high-risk high schools that will help young people build and protect their mental health and wellbeing. This will be the second “Ride out of the Blue“, from Bluff to Cape Reinga.

I know, I know. WHY must we talk about such a ‘depressing’ subject…why must we raise awareness about the high rate of suicide in this country?
Because it is a major problem. That is why. Not talking about it isn’t helping. Let’s try another approach.

So…I’m going to get on my bike and tell you all about it. This next six months will no doubt be filled with fun, fitness, tears and absolute fear, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Aware that a blog solely about riding my bike will send us all to sleep – especially me – as I type each l e t t e r – I shall also share about some other things in my life. I am an actress and have just recently begun making short films. I give a shit about a lot of things in this crazy world including people making really good music, people doing other amazing creative things here and abroad, and people helping other people because they push through the lethargy of their daily lives and want to create some good old muthatruckin’ value…(I can get a bit ‘Pollyanna’ on it, but not so much in a KONY 2012 campaign kinda way).

Oh and occasionally I may have to talk about food because let’s face it, with all the training I will be doing, I will be eating a lot of it. Yum. Maybe someone out there will get as excited about the breakfast smoothies I currently make. Or can make suggestions!

I may post one too many photos up of Te Henga- where I live, and I may talk one too many times about the baggy lycra that I am currently wearing because I am wearing my uncle’s hand-me-downs, because yes, I am a poor struggling artist (yawn) who currently rides on my dad’s old road bike from the early 90s (her name is pink bike and she is pink).

All in all, I hope for a few giggles or hearty has. If you get bored - go back to your television set and watch some Desperado House Wives.

Wanna join me on this incredible journey in some way, shape or form?

Do it. It will help me get up the hills.

xx